deer_antler_spray_picIf you are envisioning fingers nimbly dancing around a keyboard with faster than lightning typing skills, blood-engorged forearms, and wrists the size of twenty pound dumbbells, then you might be thinking that, “Damn this writer is on some seriously advance writing steroids!”, or “Where in the hell can I get some of that?” and maybe even “You can do all this with deer antler velvet?”

The answer to all your questions is, yes, you probably can do something similar like this with deer antler velvet and, no, I don’t know where the hell you can get some at, besides taking your rifle and camping out in a deer stand. Also, these
are not the type of steroids that I’m talking about. I’m more in line with PEDS or performance enhancing drugs. My main questions here are: Do writers take them? Should this be considered cheating? And am I really serious? Writers and steroids, common man; that is completely ridiculous, right? Go read your Sci-Fi garbage and leave us sophisticated folk alone with our Chaucer and Shakespeare.

Steroids came into existence back in the mid-1930s and have slowly been creeping
their way into mainstream media ever since. Originally they were used to help
advance growth for individuals who didn’t produce enough testosterone. Then they
moved into more non-medical usage ranging from anything to weightlifting,
warfare, and now most predominately athletics. So, what in the hell do some
nerdy little writers in a dark room with a computer, nine cats, and eight cups
of coffee have to do with steroids? Ever heard of a little drug called Adderall?
It is supposed to help those with attention deficit disorders and such,
allowing better focus and stimulation. It is the ultimate study drug across
colleges, and I’m sure, high school campuses nationwide, the outbreak is beyond
an epidemic.

For god sakes, I’ve even tried Adderall a few years back in junior college. Some
of my baseball teammates at the time knew I had a lot of papers to finish up and
gave me one for free. I wrote eight! I kid you not! Eight twelve page MLA
citated papers single-spaced in the span of about twenty four hours. Two sixteen
ounce cans of Redbull, one Adderall, my laptop and the internet. I didn’t sleep
for almost four days and could barely eat, drink or function after my first
keyboard binge-pounding all-nighter. I did raise my English Comp 2 class grade
from a measly 70% to a whopping 97%. So do you think a writer might have some
incentive to take performance enhancing drugs to better enable them to write
stories and earn a bigger paycheck?

If I raised my grade 27% in the span of one night, I can only imagine the output
increments that a professional writer taking Adderall might see. What if J.K.
Rowling took PEDS or steroids? Is that considered fair or cheating? Fighter
pilots are known to be given stimulants, enabling them more awareness and the
ability to sustain consciousness for longer periods of time. Musicians are taking
beta-blockers, baseball players/ professional athletes are on anabolic steroids,
so why not writers? Is it a taboo way of thinking that these lovely authorial
ladies and gentleman might be anything other than sterling scholarly individuals
who would no sooner eat red meat than take some forbidden fruit that would enable
them to write the very script of the gods?

Okay, yea, I’m exaggerating greatly here, but you get the point. Somebody is
obviously taking them, maybe you yourself are, my question is: Is this cheating?
I think it is. Why should you get an unfair advantage over someone else who
works just as hard and as much as you do, just because you decided to take a
drug? Shouldn’t we all take drugs and level-up the playing field? We consider
plagiarism the worst act known to man for a writer. Why is this any different?
Athletes are condemned for taking steroids, except those individuals who were
previously thought of as washed-up have a breakout season receive a million
dollar contract; they even test positive for steroids and still get millions. In the
meantime thousands of other minor league players who should have gotten their shot
long ago are watching from barely half filled stadiums wondering if they will
ever get the call to the big leagues as they continue to age and can only watch
as their dreams pass them by. I’m being excessively melodramatic for a point,
stay with me now. So let us assume you are an amateur writer, maybe have a
few short stories published but just can’t seem to break through to the big
publishers and get that first huge break with a novel you have been working on,
and routinely you see the same authors, over and over and over again pumping out
novels at an incredible rate. So should these young upstart novelists take some
Adderall and help them focus, they might double or even triple their work
production and hit it big with something, or do you consider this cheating?

This entire write-up might be a little silly, a bit completely ridiculous, and in
truth I’m only just curious what YOUR opinions are on the matter. I’m not
pointing out any authors and I really don’t even have any in mind. But I want
you to start thinking about it and stop being so naive. What do you think is the
right things ethically-wise, and could some authors seriously be using PEDS like
Adderall? Just some food for thought, and in the meantime I’m going to stretch
my wrists and fingers, they are so muscle-bound I keep hitting two or three
keys at a time, they also are starting to have a strange greenish tint to
them…

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